The emperor's realms

Angry

2007-08-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

Only yesterday I wrote about my own arrogance, which caused a little stir today. So now I would really like to clear something up. I am not trying to justify this specific quality of mine. I will sometimes say that I'm forced into arrogance by other people's lack of intelligence, beauty, or whatever is in my mind at the time, but I can say I don't mean any of it (any more) without being guilty of lying. My so called arrogance is not as much an overindulgence as a relatively positive opinion of myself. Thus I should probably not call myself arrogant at all, but self-confident. Proper arrogance is, in my case, always a joke, however much some people might doubt that.

To the point now.
Because I generally feel quite comfortable with myself, I can ridicule myself, take risks and most importantly of all; I don't have to attack others constantly to get off, protect myself or to feed the insecure monster eating away at my gut. Which is not to say that if bitten, I don't bite back

Not being in the 'attack mode' all the time is dangerous though, because it makes one vulnerable. Everything I do and am lies there open for others to put their hatefulness upon.

I can remember something from my childhood which illustrates people's nastiness quite well.

A girl in my class noted in front of all the girls how I did not have any breast development what-so-ever in contrary with the rest of the group. She must have been psychic; I was 10 at the time, more than a year younger than all my classmates, but indeed I never developed much.

This, you could say, happened in the innocence of childhood (not that I'd ever believe it), but the disturbing thing is, that a lot of people keep on humiliating and (intentionally) hurting people all their lives.

I sometimes reprimand myself for being sarcastic and joking with people, but I will and can not call myself a so-called 'insensitive cunt'. I annoy people, I tease and I do sometimes hurt people, but at least I consciously try not to rip people's flesh from their bones.

Yes, I'm temporarily frustrated by someone's utter nastiness; does it show? As it happens, it had everything to do with yesterday's writing and infuriated me quite a bit.

Of course my expressing myself is actually me trying to show off with the skills I don't or only barely posses and not just some random thoughts of mine, expressed in a few silly sentences.

My grammar probably does suck as does my punctuation. So bloody be it. I don't have the luxury of being a native English speaker nor a remarkably good education of the language. For me it's about expressing myself and if somebody can't extract that from whatever I do, I will gladly be nasty and call the person an illiterate unsensitive cunt in my place. But of course, in the end I won't judge.

After all we can't all be emotionally intelligent.

I resort to nastiness myself now, you see, in expressing my feelings and do realise how much of a hypocrite that makes me. Therefore; respect to every unconditionally sweet person.

The Boss

2007-08-14T12:36:00.000-07:00

I'm a bossy bitch. Actually I could well be The Bossiest Bitch in the whole wide world. Or so I'm sometimes concerned I am. I want to control everything, everyone and am not satisfied until I do. I have a serious superiority complex which I haven't been able to get rid of so far and thus I'm a ruthless judgementalist (is that even a word...). I'm not even satisfiable by following my every bidding. That would only induce me to think the person spineless.

I have to cease every opportunity of looking at my own reflection and then revel in my good or bad looks of the day. Especially on a good day, I just can't stop looking at me.

What?

I don't have anybody else to indulge in all day, now do I.

My first reaction when I've made a mistake is “me, but I don't make mistakes” and only then I start to eat myself up over the imperfection of, again, me.

And then I think it's completely justified to sneer at people when they're being

a. Offensive

b. Stupid

c. Unfair

and get really angry when they have the nerve to sneer back at me. How dare they? They're not even close to being as fantastic as I am.

So I'm a self-indulgent, arrogant and pompous turd.

But at least I know it.

Lady-like

2007-08-04T15:41:00.000-07:00

I shocked somebody today. She thought I was a lady. And then I let out the most horrendous belch ever.

I have a (fake), rather posh English accent, which often gives the impression of my being a lady. Which I'm not. Don't get me wrong; I am well educated when it comes to manners. I flatter myself with a high opinion of my own social capabilities, but I will not force myself through tiny hoops.
Let me explain myself.

For me, it is really important to adjust to my surroundings. To a certain extent I adapt the rules of the environment I'm in, as not to cause the people in it an unnecessary hard time and in general just too not make myself impossible, I try to put on my best behaviour. This makes people like me, most of the time, which in turn helps me liking them. Now, this does not require me acting as something I'm not, I just don't give in to every silly impulse slash longing I might have at the exact moment I get it.

Call me smart; it would be in place here.

Now, when I am in the right environment with a few friends whom I consider to know me well enough to know I'm also just human, I will let out champion belches, eat without worrying about the spinach between my teeth, make sounds when on the toilet and scratch my head. There are only a few people in this world in who's company I would go any further than that, but I'm definitely one of them.

Because, why should I keep from doing things when I'm completely on my own, because they're not acceptable in company? Is it some kind of big brother complex? Is it the fear of a secret camera, a person spying on you, in other words; is it paranoia? Because I can't find a reason not to scratch your butt when it itches, when there is nobody keeping you from it. Except self-torture maybe.

What it all comes down to is that I think it's quite healthy to act proper when amongst people, but not to take it home to the mirror. You can pretend you're less human than you are, but trying to actually live it doesn't seem healthy.

Pretty women don't poo. Well sorry, I don't lie, I bloody well do.

No

2007-08-04T15:40:00.001-07:00

We don't have a hairdryer

I Give In

2007-08-03T13:51:00.001-07:00

As heaps of women, I have a picture in my mind of a broad-shouldered, dashingly handsome, powerful, intelligent and successful man, sweeping me off my feet, into bed and marriage and most importantly of all; into happiness.

Totally unrealistic of course, but a nice dream none the less.

Unfortunately, completely in line with my personality, I've considered this fantasy too much. I know, I know, stupid thing to do, as the one rule about fantasies is that they will dissolve in thin air as soon as you rationalise them.

As always, I couldn't help myself though. Being single for two years doesn't really help me keeping my mind free of frustrations. Enough about me being stupid though, let's get to all the smart things I realised.

#1: I'm a power- slash control-freak, which of course would clash with a successful, powerful person (especially where there's testosterone involved). However much I crave and seek control and power, I am not successful, though, in relationships I always try to be the boss. Imagine the war this would ensue. So a satisfied intelligent man with a powerful character would be better suited here.

#2: Now as this scribbling shows, I think too much, so I might be better off with someone who can challenge me in discussions when needed, yet doesn't think about things too much, as I tend to do. Some piece of mind.

#3: Then lastly, I'm a pretty caring person and tend to look after the people around me, which can be quite a load on my shoulders. I don't want to come home to a conversation about the latest conspiracy but just be taken care of.

And since when did power and gentleness go hand in hand anyway?

Honestly.

To bring my life into perspective, better yet; to bring myself in perspective, I'm in need of someone to mellow me down and who just takes me in his big arms after a long day.

So, I finally must admit to it.

I want a sweet man.

Illusies en mannen

2007-08-03T10:37:00.002-07:00

Er is een moment waarop elke illusie aan het einde moet geloven.
Helaas.
Mijn oudere broer is de laatste tijd in een ernstige staat van firiliteit.
Nu is dat op zichzelf niet echt een verontrustend feit, ware het niet dat het belangrijkste deel van mijn manbeeld op zijn schouders ligt.
Lag, wel te verstaan.
Het is namelijk zo, dat de broer in kwestie eerder geen last had van deze, noem het maar 'gewone', extreme driften, sinds zijn 17e.
Helaas, één puberteit is niet genoeg.
Plotsklaps is hij weer in het ravijn gevallen en heeft daarbij al mijn prachtige illusies meegesleurd. Ik probeerde mij nog aan ze vast te klampen, maar helaas. Zonder het goede gedrag van boven genoemde broer ben ik nergens.
Ik denk nou eenmaal niet graag dat mannen een stelletje mongolen zijn.
Met hem altijd als tastbaar bewijs van de uitzondering op de regel, koste het nauwelijks moeite om dergelijke gedachten de kop in te drukken. Behalve, natuurlijk, na een teleurstellende liefdes escapade van mijn kant, waarop nou eenmaal de nodige man hatende uitspraken horen te volgen.
Mijn hele wereld ligt overhoop en er zit nog maar één ding op.
Niet over mannen nadenken totdat mijn zondige broer zijn geslacht in elke mogelijke uithoek heeft gestoken en daarmee alle lol eraf is en ik weer rustig verder kan leven op mijn rose wolk.
En ze leefde nog lang en gelukkig.
(Zonder man, natuurlijk)

Meeleven

2007-08-03T10:37:00.001-07:00

Leef je mee
met wat ze zegt
of doe je maar alsof
Zeg je nee
zonder pauze
en vind je dat niet grof
Als zij zich blootlegt
ben jij dan echt?

Grudge

2007-08-03T10:30:00.000-07:00

how your mind runs around
Sleepless
because they make you want to shout
that the words we yell
Aren't half as true
As the tears we cry
When we're left
Alone
Wondering
why they make you remember
how you fell
As the theft of your soul
began
by that stupid lie
by their heartless thoughts
That make you want to cry
Waiting
untill maybe one day
you'll see that tear
falling from their eye
When they're turning your heart
to stone

Divas on tour

2007-08-03T10:25:00.000-07:00

How far does the obsession for physical appearance actually go? Every day I think it's a bit worse than the day before. Working in a youth hostel, I'm supposed to be surrounded by backpackers. Now, the fact that in a lot of cases, the backpack itself is missing, I can overlook. It is still a good laugh when somebody walks in with an enormity of a suitcase, or two, but I can understand this. The thing I don't understand, is the extremity in the things these people bring (yes, also those with genuine backpacks). The amount of girls that bring their hair-straightener for example is just ridiculous. I didn't even know there were that many girls who use them. Of course the 30 minutes of handling the thing and the murdering of your hair is not nearly as bad as walking around with curly (imagine that) or frizzy (even worse) locks. Then of course, you need 3 bikinis, a pair of high heals, several pair of flat shoes and/or flip-flops, 2 different sunglasses, 3 different kinds of painkillers, but earplugs they often don't think of. Because of course, nobody snores, there's a curfew, people don't slam the doors, dogs don't bark and there's a little man in the moon who makes it shine at night.

In the morning these well-groomed girls come down, after their toilette with at least 6 different kinds of beauty products (because you need a different cream for each zone of your face, you aught to know this), and of course nag their head off about the air-conditioning being off (or on), the snoring person in their room, people who check in or out at five in the morning and the list goes on endlessly. Of course they expect you to patiently listen to their problems, feel genuinely sorry for them and then solve their problem by reversing the night, sing them a lullaby until they sleep, kick all the snorers out and hold the door every time somebody needs to get into a room and then make them shut up and do everything in the dark.

While of course, what you're supposed to do in a hostel is first of all to buy earplugs, then get really drunk, so that you don't need them any more and then finally you barf all over the place so that YOU are the one that bugs people, instead of the other way around.

But I don't understand these things. I don't have to travel and explore a city early in the morning, I am thin, have straight hair and no pimples. I have a perfect life and should not underestimate the graveness of others'.

Exotic foot-forms.

2007-08-03T10:20:00.001-07:00

I attach great value to feet. My own are in a horrendous state of neglect at the moment, but for me it's not about the state as much as the form of the feet. Some feet just make me sick to my stomach and that has nothing to do with callous, warts or dirty nails. It's all about proportions. A weak looking big toe, for example, makes me look down on the owner. I'm sorry, but I honestly can't help it. Then there is the vulnerable collection of toes on a week tiny foot, which in it's turn makes me a bit numb to the person. For the rest there are actually feet that look brainless. I know a foot is not supposed to have a brain, but again, that is not what I'm on about. It's all about my impressions, which are, of course, sacred.

Now have you ever noticed that a strange amount of Austalians have really small big toes? A big toe is called a big toe for a reason, so if your big toe does not look significantly bigger than the rest, you're genetically challenged. Or maybe not that, maybe you belong to a different race. Maybe, in Australia, man has developed into something different (did I really just write 'maybe'). Because they've all been trying to be the toughest and most emotionless for so long, a specific part of their brain has gone out of use and with that the toe which is connected to that has shrunk. Conclusion; people with a really small big toe are blunted and lack emotion? A bit far fetched, but you get my grip.

Then there's a thing with a lot of toes, especially found in New Zealanders and again Aussies, where the big toe is strangely round, like a long balloon. I don't particularly like this either, although I can stand it better than the short syndrome. I won't even start about white feet that never see the sun.

Now, I think this is just highly personal and the people with feet I don't like are probably the people I connect less with. There will be people who don't like mine, but well, you need to be pretty insane to pay attention to feet, so I'm glad to think that I'm probably one of the rare psychos and with that knowledge, I'll continue to scrutinise people's feet.